Houstatlantavegas

So I just finished watching this movie called Dan In Real Life. I won't tell you about the plot or anything, but I will say that the movie made me sad. It has one of those fairytale endings. Love is not my bestfriend in any way, shape or form. I am so -well- deprived of that certain sensitivity... Sometimes I find it easier not to love and lean towards apathy and defensiveness. I feel like there's no way around this emptiness that I feel. I had a dream last night that I made out with one of my gay friends. There is no way that would ever happen, but I'm trying to think what sort of message I may have been trying to send myself. Am I looking for the wrong things in a companion? Am I too wrapped up in people that don't want me? It felt good, regardless of its deeper meaning...

I dunno. I need affection. I watch, unblinking, at all the references to love on television. I watch, unblinking, love fall apart in real life. My mother has never been married...never, with two children. My mother's lonely. I am lonely. We don't live to be this passionate for no one.

I am, however, a strong believer of the saying "everything happens for a reason" or "it is God's will" which ever you prefer. Even if I had been strong enough to actually allow myself to fall in love with my exbestfriend before he left, I still would've had to watch him go, and I still would've had to watch him leave me and fall in love with someone that could care less.

My heart was inevitably going to break.

Which leads me to believe that love is not my friend right now for a reason. I feel sorry for the next poor guy I fall in love with. I am learning to love myself, and our relationship, no doubt, will be beautiful, but my attachment only grows stronger with each infatuation. He may be crushed by my attraction alone. There may be a reason why my mom's new friend lives 2 hours away. We need to learn something...How open we are to the lesson and how quickly we recieve and understand it is entirely up to us.