o go out for lunch with me. I got so effin excited when he accepted my suggestion that I, you know, got cute, got ready, and proceeded to wait for him to do the same. 12 pm went by...1pm went by, and by 2 o' clock I was fed-the hell-up.I told him he was taking too long to get ready. My fingers were killing Gianna [my phone]'s keypad as I crazily texted, "Do you really take 2 hours to get ready"? To which he replied: "Yea. Then I got 2 go 2 45." So, at first I didn't get it because he left the word "at" out of it, a colon, and he used incorrect grammar ["Then, I have to leave at 2:45." - ah, much better]. I read it twice & then finally understood that this was not going to happen. I explained to him that we would try another day, but my feelings were hurt because he claimed to have nothing to do
today...Was he lying? I asked myself that over and over again, but I will never ever know.I was disappointed because I got so effin excited. I got so effin cute FOR HIM, that boy, only for it not to happen.
This is the reason why I do not tell people things I am excited about. Because once I tell someone, it doesn't happen. Rare occasions where that's not the case. It was, however, the case today, and it really hurt me and pissed me off because I only told three people.
I just want a guy friend. Someone I can count on to talk to me and be there for me. We don't even have to be a couple, just talk to me... I'm used to having a guy best friend. I was spoiled with one for 3 years...then I fell in love with him [BEEG MUSTAHKEE!]. Anyway, my point is that, I'm so used to disappointment it's hard for me to try at all. Us not going out today hit me hard because I felt, like, vulnerable, in the situation. I was vulnerable to ask him out in the first place. Vulnerable to wait for him to do what he had to do. I was vulnerable. Vulnerable. That word is my biggest fear. My vulnerability is the rice around my insecure California Roll. These issues that I have with myself are spun from my aversion to vulnerability. I do not like it, but I want to like it. I want to be comfortable with being vulnerable. I blamed myself for what happened today, I did, but deep down I know that it's not my fault in any way, shape, or form that we did not go out today. Right? I'm not overreacting or going crazy. It is his fault entirely, and I will not hold myself responsible for that...It is not my fault, and it took me almost ten hours to figure that out...
Epiphany?
