This can't be real...

He is gone, and it breaks my fucking heart.

In my mind I see the tear-soaked faces. I hear the steroes with "Human Nature" on repeat. I can't bring the tears to fall from my eyes so I'm trying to force them. I swear, I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel like I am in a huge, MOMENTUS dream. He's dead. Michael Jackson is dead. His body is lifeless. His eyes are unblinking. His heart has stopped. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. That it happened. I want to scream. I want to scream

STOP IT! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Why? Why? Why is he gone? What did-I can only pray for my sanity, and for peace in the world. He was our reason to follow our dreams. He was our reason to scuff the floors with our shoes and scream as loud as possible with our hands as far as the horizon. He was the first song we learned as a child. He was our King. He is the King, and now with his death, our dynasty will fall.

5:34 PM, Brandy sent me a text. "Micheal Jackson died, mama." I was driving on the interstate on the way to see my sister & my heart stopped. I shook my head, "no no no" it had to be a lie. It wasn't. It's not. He's gone...forever. Luther, Aaliyah, Left Eye, Tupac, James Brown...the greats. Michael now rests with them while we mourn, while we painfully, desparingly, mourn. The entire world is distraught because we lost the best thing to ever happen to us...

Michael Joseph Jackson: August 29,1958 - June 25, 2009

Thank you for sharing your talent, love, and genius.

You are forever missed, may God grant you peaceful rest.

Right now, I can't even hear my music playing.

I mean, I know "Let's Call It Off" by Drake, Peter & Bjorn is on, but it's like I'm listening to it from inside of a box or something. You know, that distorted way that makes everything sound like it's playing from a basement below you. My house has no basement. I'm sitting here with my $5 Ray Ban knock-off Ocean Pacific yellow sunglasses, fighting with myself. My head is literally spinning, and now my eyes are starting to tingle & feel wierd because they're trying to focus the words that I am typing. Drake just asked why he felt so alone...I wonder if he would listen to me if I could come up with an answer. If I could explain to him that I know exactly how he feels. If I could somehow convince him to listen to my problems & want to take care of me, want to see me. If I could somehow convince any guy to stick around long enough for me to get over myself. [laugh] How pathetic is it to want attention from someone you don't even know? How pathetic. We have been fighting this battle for so long. God, what makes me so insane? I'm sitting in this chair right now in front of this monitor wondering why my eyelashes are rubbing against the lens of these glasses. Why do they curl in the first place? Why do -am I so sad, angry, happy, mad, frustrated at the same time? Angry and mad are synonyms, but I won't change that...Now. That didn't make any sense did it? I could take those scissors in front of me. I could take them, walk over to my mirror, open the blades, slide it from left to right...in perfect lines...turn my mirror into my own work of art. I can hear the sound of the metal grinding into the glass & it sounds like sanity...

So I just finished watching this movie called Dan In Real Life. I won't tell you about the plot or anything, but I will say that the movie made me sad. It has one of those fairytale endings. Love is not my bestfriend in any way, shape or form. I am so -well- deprived of that certain sensitivity... Sometimes I find it easier not to love and lean towards apathy and defensiveness. I feel like there's no way around this emptiness that I feel. I had a dream last night that I made out with one of my gay friends. There is no way that would ever happen, but I'm trying to think what sort of message I may have been trying to send myself. Am I looking for the wrong things in a companion? Am I too wrapped up in people that don't want me? It felt good, regardless of its deeper meaning...

I dunno. I need affection. I watch, unblinking, at all the references to love on television. I watch, unblinking, love fall apart in real life. My mother has never been married...never, with two children. My mother's lonely. I am lonely. We don't live to be this passionate for no one.

I am, however, a strong believer of the saying "everything happens for a reason" or "it is God's will" which ever you prefer. Even if I had been strong enough to actually allow myself to fall in love with my exbestfriend before he left, I still would've had to watch him go, and I still would've had to watch him leave me and fall in love with someone that could care less.

My heart was inevitably going to break.

Which leads me to believe that love is not my friend right now for a reason. I feel sorry for the next poor guy I fall in love with. I am learning to love myself, and our relationship, no doubt, will be beautiful, but my attachment only grows stronger with each infatuation. He may be crushed by my attraction alone. There may be a reason why my mom's new friend lives 2 hours away. We need to learn something...How open we are to the lesson and how quickly we recieve and understand it is entirely up to us.

La Gato Loco

This made my morning...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw
Haha...

Let's Talk About My Disappointments...

Today, I asked one of my friends to go out for lunch with me. I got so effin excited when he accepted my suggestion that I, you know, got cute, got ready, and proceeded to wait for him to do the same. 12 pm went by...1pm went by, and by 2 o' clock I was fed-the hell-up.
I told him he was taking too long to get ready. My fingers were killing Gianna [my phone]'s keypad as I crazily texted, "Do you really take 2 hours to get ready"? To which he replied: "Yea. Then I got 2 go 2 45." So, at first I didn't get it because he left the word "at" out of it, a colon, and he used incorrect grammar ["Then, I have to leave at 2:45." - ah, much better]. I read it twice & then finally understood that this was not going to happen. I explained to him that we would try another day, but my feelings were hurt because he claimed to have nothing to do today...Was he lying? I asked myself that over and over again, but I will never ever know.
I was disappointed because I got so effin excited. I got so effin cute FOR HIM, that boy, only for it not to happen.
This is the reason why I do not tell people things I am excited about. Because once I tell someone, it doesn't happen. Rare occasions where that's not the case. It was, however, the case today, and it really hurt me and pissed me off because I only told three people.

I just want a guy friend. Someone I can count on to talk to me and be there for me. We don't even have to be a couple, just talk to me... I'm used to having a guy best friend. I was spoiled with one for 3 years...then I fell in love with him [BEEG MUSTAHKEE!]. Anyway, my point is that, I'm so used to disappointment it's hard for me to try at all. Us not going out today hit me hard because I felt, like, vulnerable, in the situation. I was vulnerable to ask him out in the first place. Vulnerable to wait for him to do what he had to do. I was vulnerable. Vulnerable. That word is my biggest fear. My vulnerability is the rice around my insecure California Roll. These issues that I have with myself are spun from my aversion to vulnerability. I do not like it, but I want to like it. I want to be comfortable with being vulnerable. I blamed myself for what happened today, I did, but deep down I know that it's not my fault in any way, shape, or form that we did not go out today. Right? I'm not overreacting or going crazy. It is his fault entirely, and I will not hold myself responsible for that...It is not my fault, and it took me almost ten hours to figure that out...

Epiphany?

Gah Lee, Man...

None of these topics in my brain seem good enough to blog about. There's always fiftylem things going on at once in there. I-I don't even know how to break things up into pieces. I guess I shall just blog about things that I love in cute, fun-to-read ways. Lol, that reminds me of a coloring book or something. Isn't life like a coloring book? When yo- whatever. I shall blog about my loves first. Things- people, rather- that I love. First up will be Chris Brown. I know, "[eye roll]", but fuck you, seriously lol. I love him. I will tell you why later. Um, Drake is next, then chocolate, maybe...My family is somewhere in there, my friends... I dunno, but, Shah, I will get back to you. DANG! I LOVE SOME COMMAS DON'T I?

[insert something clever I haven't come up with yet in here]