SO I'm angry again...

I am not a mean person. I am nicer than anyone, and I can be so sweet, but mama told me not to trust everyone because they'll use you, and I feel like I've been used. Why're we always inviting people that I don't know foreal? Why when I don't want to go somewhere I have to be a party pooper? What's up with that? If I don't want to go. I don't want to go, PERIOD! I have the right to change my mind, I have the right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO! I MAY NOT FINANCIALLY BE AN ADULT, BUT BABY, I HAVE A BRAIN!
I'm tired of being this angry person.
I am not an angry person, but these people are going to drive me to the brink of insanity.
Part of me feels bad and wants to reach out to the people that are pissin me off, but then the other side comes in and reminds me why the fuck I didn't go in the first place. I DiDN'T WANT TO!
Everyone's getting on my nerves. There is no one that I want to be around right now that goes to this fucking school. Like, what the hell dude? I am so not happy.
And I wanna be in his arms, but that's completely impossible. He probably doesn't even love me like that. I just wanna go OFF! I am so pent up and ready to go off. Like, I let people put me through so much shit it's not even funny. I am so pent up. I really am, and all this bullshit blah blah about how I should just let it go and continue to put myself out there...is just that, bullshit. I'm tired of fuckin gettin my feelings hurt by people who could give a fuck.
Yeah, I want love, I want it more than anything in the world, but like it's not even about that. It's about the fact that I can't have a day, like a DAY to myself without people trying to force me to go somewhere. UGH I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I GET TREATED LIKE THIS! I am so angry.
Like, wtf, I drove you guys to the club. I did not want to go to the club, you said it would be like until 3...it's FIVE IN THE MORNING! I come back to get you, not saying a word, and then you call me a party pooper? Tell me why I have to be a party pooper just because I didn't want to act a fool tonight? Why do I have to be a party pooper? First of all, I didn't have to bring your asses to the club... I didn't have to do that. Then, you're gonna insult me? AND SO FUCKIN WHAT IF I'M TOUCHY!? STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKIN ASSHOLE AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH SOMETIMES!
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN RUN ME! Cause guess what?
When I close my eyes do you know what I see? A BABY! A BABY! You are a baby, and HOW DARE You bring him to my car, and pressure me to let him in... Why'd you even bring him over here? WHY DID YOU BRING THAT GIRL! OVER HERE!...HOW DARE YOU...How fuckin dare you? SO, I let him in my car, and he was the last to say thank you. I swear, God help me. I am so angry. I do not want to be this angry person. I don't want to have to go off, but these people are, these people are killing me, they are bringing me down and I pray to you help me find away above them, because I cannot save them... I cannot. I have tried.

Does anyone even read my blog or care what I have to say?

If you don't, that's fine. It's been so long since I've been on here I'm not surprised if you don't even look twice when I show up on your story scroll, thingy. I just, I dunno. For some reason, well, not for some reason, that "special time of the month" has come to me today, and it probably tributed to the catagory five hurricane that just took over my FACE! I cried for 15 minutes, but it felt like days. Time itself slowed to a dull hush and that damn Imogen Heap "Hide and Seek" just kept the tears coming. I couldn't stop myself. Everything I'd ever done was flooding through my head.
I thought about my last heartache, and I literally felt the ache again. I promised I would never relive that pain, but for some reason I presented it to myself again. I'm not happy. I mean college is what it is. It is new. It is freedom. It is different. These people, I- I just have no idea how I went from having a million new friends to having ultimately, 2. I don't like A LOT of people and I don't know if it'll get any better. All the - truth is I just want someone to like. I want a guy that I absolutely adore. I want to have a crush on someone, and I want to talk to that person. I want a lot of things, but what I want most in life is love. Requited. The kind I rarely get. I want to fall in love, but I wan- I would give my right arm for a guy just to talk to everyday. One I can see and express myself too. I am soooo effin lonely. All the guys I know are gay or taken, or they smoke... it breaks my heart to have slipped into this state of depression, temporary or not. It hurts me to think like this, but it's killing me to be here.
I Digress, HALLOWEEN!
HALLOWEEN CAN SUCK MY DICK! I officially hate this fucking holiday. I don't know if UAB did it, or WHAT, but this year...I want to fuckin SLAUGHTER Halloween. I despise it. I was never a big huge gigantic fan of it, but now it's really starting to piss me off. These people in my damn dorm have fuckin pumpkin shit all over their damn doors. The school has planned this even that, just today, had people dressed up like zombies AND JUST BEIN ASSHOLES! That, pissed me off. Like, I felt it, immature, and just STUPID. Halloween is fuckin dumb. Everything about it... So stupid, such a waste of money, and I would like to just...Ugh, I hate that holiday.

[deep sigh] I'm not finished, but this will do. I'm not even going to go look for typos. Just take it as is, I am so done.

Untitled

Are you unattainable

If you were then I wouldn't talk to you almost everyday

I find myself thinking about you way more than I should

In ways beyond our newly invented friendship

Ways that I probably should keep to myself

I see it in your eyes sometimes, that unsure blink of "what if..."

Oh, of course you would never admit your attraction to me

Maybe not never, maybe just "probably won't"

I can accept that until you smile

Then, I have to start all over again

But the good thing is you enjoy the fact that I never shutup

That I'm a little off and make stupid faces

At the wrong time, in the wrong space

It's okay with you, your indifference is discerning

But it's half the reason I like you in the first place

So keep being you, but alter your heart in my direction

Update...

So, I started college. I love college, but I haven't been taking pictures like I should just because I just got into the hang of things. Pictures are coming, I promise. Um, I have friends, but not many because there are so many people, I've learned, that aren't your friend but will act like it to the very end...
Um, yeah, that's about it. I will further explain in another blog later on.
Deuce.

College

I just got back from my college orientation on Friday. It was three days of some serious bordem, some serious fun, and a LOT of walking. I, at this point, am an official UAB Blazer. What is a blazer you ask? IT'S OUR FIRE BREATHING MASCOT, TRICK! Yeah, a dragon. A Dragon? Mmhmmmmm. I think that's the most awesome, random thing, ever. I'll be living with three other girls in the newly renovated Blazer Hall [ahh you like that huh?] and I move in in SIX DAYS! It's so crazy. This time next week, I'll be living in a dorm, as a real college student...I'm horrified.

Haters Everywhere We Go...

S o my hubs Drake fell again, right?

His already healing ACL took another blow tonight when it collapsed beneath him a couple of hours ago at the Philly/Jersey show of the ongoing tour
that kicked off a few days ago...

Trending Topic on Twitter.

['s amazing to me how quickly word travels, technology is truly a marvel]. Anyways, the real question I'm trying to get to is: Why do people feel they have to scrutinize the hell out of EVERY single situation that occurs??!

"People are so hard on Drizzy, like he's not human."

Like he's not a new artist. He's going to fuck up, okay? A lot. All this is new to him. Even though his ability is not, the instant fame is. These stupid people on Twitter could care less what kind of man he is and what he goes through, and as a supporter/spouse I find myself furious at the things they say and the jokes they make, but at the end of the day I am a proud supporter of someone I know who is extremely talented. So I brush that ish off, and I feel that he does as well. I just get so frustrated with the people that judge and hate on him simply because they are jealous, petty, and insecure when compared to his light. Cause he's gon shine, shawty, all day and all night long, just as soon as he learns to slow the fuck down and quit trying to outdo himself. You made it baby & I KNEEWWWW IT!

Daddy

We share a face,

But you do not know me.

Daddy, why don't you love me?

I'm not the same little girl with the tear-streaked cheeks asking for a toy.

I'm the eighteen year old woman who demands an answer.

But even then I did not get the toy

This time you will give me answers.

How do you sleep at night?

This little town listens, believes, and repeats lies that you feed it.

Like you do so much.

Daddy, how do you sleep?

Mommy brings me the moon on a string like an ivory balloon.

Tie it on your wrist, like this. She coos and demonstrates.

This is better than a toy, I say.

Mommy brings me the stars and planets as well because nothing's ever good enough.

Because she loves me.

Daddy, why do you lie?

You told them all the moon was yours.

You said it was your idea, but when I asked you to help mommy,

You said no.

You said no, Daddy.

As a child I didn't understand

But my eyes are as brown as yours.

My lips are as full as yours.

My face is as round as yours.

My hair curls and falls like yours.

My smile is as wide as yours,

But I am not you.

You are not me,

& you do not love me.

Why not, Daddy?

Oh, SNAPS!

Snapshots to, in, and coming back from D.C. <3

• 
  
  
  
• The Giant Channing. [Old Chinatown, D.C.]
• H&M Clothing [Georgetown, D.C.]
• Juicy Couture [Georgetown, D.C.] Smelled SO GOOD IN THERE!
  
  
  
• All of them wore one white glove as they carried him. How awesome is that?
• ATLANTA! WASSUPWASSUP? The bridges go into the heart of town, it's like the city eats you when you go under them.
• Right outside of Richmond, VA [HEY CHRIS!]

• The view from the Kennedy Center [where the festival was held] is incredible!
• District of Columbia tags are wassup.
• "Dumb fries." "No, Dumfreez."

• $7 Fiji water, my temptation the entire time. I stared at it and shook it, but didn't drink.
• I wanna know. WTF IS IN THERE?!
• Gaffney has a giant peach water tower thingy. I asked my sister I was like "Do you have to like get a permit for ish like that? I want one." Alabama has one in Clanton, but why? How?

• The stairs I ran up and down for fun. They were the best.
• Um, I dunno why I took this pic.
• The door Lupe came out of.
  

A Minute Passed Pissed...

So I'm working on my DC blog right? And I soon realize that I have to drag EVERY SINGLE picture that I want to the appropriate spot. Which wouldn't be so freakin awful if I didn't need them to be at the very bottom of the blog.
I don't understand why I have to do that in the first place.
Why do I have to upload the photo to the TOP of the blog?
What sense does that even make?
& on top of that? WHY IN THE WORLD SHOULD I HAVE TO DRAG I THROUGH EVERYTHING I'VE ALREADY WRITTEN!?
OMG, I am so mad right now. I am beyond angry. I can't even focus at this point. I just start to think about all the work that I put into that thing and it makes me like... fume. There are these little tremors of rage that slide through me, and I'm trying to control them.
Blogger, this is some grade aye, bull.
Number one because you have millions of bloggers on your site, and you need to understand that we don't want to spend 3 hours on a blog because we can't get our pictures in the right spot.
The EDIT WINDOW IS TOO FREAKIN SMALL!? OMG IT'S SMALLER THAN MY HAND VERTICALLY!
Then on top of that you expect us to drag our photos through all of our work NOT TO MENTION LEAVING GIANT GAPING HOLES IN OUR BLOGS!
That's what happened to my DC blog. Not only did I have to drag pictures but I HAVE A GAPING HOLE INSIDE OF MY BLOG!
It is July 24, 2009!
Now I'm pressing commands and they're not even working!!!!
THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!
OMG! WHAT- WHY? I am going to write an angry email to these people. This is some bull.
I can't even finish my blog because I am infuriated. Are there other blog sites? Because I don't have the patience for this CRAP. I don't-nobody should have to drag all of their pictures through their already written work, and deal with spacing issues and commands not being followed through because of a STUPID editing thingy.
I am so mad. This is completely beyond me. I can't believe that this barbaric crap still exists!
AS MANY PEOPLE THAT BLOG ON THIS SITE! AS MANY PEOPLE!!?
That's freakin ridiculous.
It's taking all I have not to spit out every curse word under the sun right now.
I am beyond mad. I am pissed, infuriated, livid, inraged. PICK ONE!

Omg, I need to go do some Yoga...

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted...

So, let me get you up to Speed about my trip to Washington, D.C.

First off, it was pretty freakin spontaneous. My sister, who is in LOVE with friggin Michael Ealy's ass, stumbled upon this little Hip Hop Festival thing he would be participating in. Well, she called me up on Friday July 3rd and asked me if I was interested. I was like "Um, sureeee..." So, the weekend came and I got more information. Blah Blah Blah... We left on our lovely expedition to D.C. at approximately 7pm on July 6th. It was a 13 hour drive. Some of which I thoroughly enjoyed. Um, Atlanta was bloody gorgeous to me. I got to see the city at night and omgosh, my mind was completely BLOWWWWWNNNN. Gorgeous I tell you. Just, bloody gorgeous. Well anyways. I guess I should skip to the juicy details. I do NOT want to bore my audience in any way, shape, or fashion. Um, we got there and stayed at The Lathan which is a lovely hotel in the poshville that is Georgetown, D.C. so we get there, right? The room we have is not really what I would've pictured. It's on the third floor, which is UNDERGROUND! [Oh yes baby, I am so serious.] That's cool, but there are no windows, and that highly upsets a person like me. Anyways, we brush on, get cute, and go to the little festival thing. It was a free event so we had to show up extra early to make sure that we had a spot. To say the least, the performances were AMAZING! I don't have my little program thingy with me, but just take my word for it. They were awesome. So, after the show, my sister and I headed to this courtyard, BEAUTIFUL courtyard by the way, and we were just chillin, talkin, when, guess who comes out of the backstage door? Lupe-freakin-Fiasco. Yes, so I [being the loud person that I am] yell, "LUPE!" like I know him or something. He turns. He smiles. He waves. Lol. It was AWESOME! Fast forward through the night. I FOUND TWO ROACHES IN OUR ROOM! LOL! Yeah, needless to say we got an UPGRADE!....It even had stairs! After our sweetttt suite upgrade we met up with my sister's friend Curtis who's a native, and not to mention extremely cute. [He spazzed about the room and claimed I was going with him on his next vacation as the "roach hunter" to get better rooms! HAHA!] Anyways, we were supposed to go to this Afterparty or whatever, so we got all dressed up...walked allllll the way to the club only to find out that I couldn't get in. I'm only 18. That night, 21 & up only. Curtis freaked out he was like "You're eighteen?! I thought you were like 21!" Talk about a crazy night. We had a good laugh about that, and then they took me back to the hotel, and dropped me off.[-_ -]. SMHHHHHHHH! Yeah, I was bummed, but then the next day, we jumped in the car & got lost in D.C....purposely. We were/are broke, and therefore I took pictures from the car lol...see? Here's the Washington Monument and you would've Never Known my sis was goin 50 in the shot. There are A LOT of angry drivers in DC...rawr! They hawnk A LOT. Very, very angry like pitbulls. Well yeah, I saw the capitol building too, [snaps later] and so from there we went back to Georgetown and explored our surroundings. There were like a bagillion stores, and it was crowded, but I loved it all the same. I really, really loved it. The air was clean and the weather was amazing. Needless to say, I fell in love with the place, and my sister and I made plans to come back once we were more financially stable. On our last night in D.C. [since we couldn't go out -yeah...I had to apologize like 2,451,967 times], we, along with Curtis, just walked the town. Where I saw the biggest picture of Channing Tatum EVER! YUM! Then at around 3AM, we made the trip back.I have to say it was one of the most fun things I've ever done in my life. Definitely lots of memories were made, and I got to bond with my sister on a level that had never been attempted. Through all the struggles, stresses, and lack of SLEEP that were had, I would do it all again in less than a heartbeat...

Boom, Boom, POW!

Wow, it has been so long since I have blogged. Lately, I've been falling off my game. I apologize lol. Um, a lot has happened since, and I dunno what to tell or what not to tell. So, here's it in a nutshell.

• Hung out with the people I love & haven't seen for a long time.
• Went to Washington, D.C.
• Spent time and took pictures with the most awesome kids on the planet.

Now, that may not seem like a lot to you, but trust me, it is. I will tell you about those later I promise. Um, maybe not today, I dunno, depends on how I feel, but I do want to blog to you & tell you how I'm feeling right about now. Right about now, I'm feeling okay. It's early in the morning & I like to feel like the entire day is ahead of me so I'm happy about that. I am getting ready for the business that is fastily approaching [by that I mean, college] and I'm scared out of my MIND! So, yeah, I'm happy, but scared. That's my good good for right now...

[movie announcer voice: MORE COMING SOON!]

This can't be real...

He is gone, and it breaks my fucking heart.

In my mind I see the tear-soaked faces. I hear the steroes with "Human Nature" on repeat. I can't bring the tears to fall from my eyes so I'm trying to force them. I swear, I feel like I'm dreaming. I feel like I am in a huge, MOMENTUS dream. He's dead. Michael Jackson is dead. His body is lifeless. His eyes are unblinking. His heart has stopped. I cannot believe that this is actually happening. That it happened. I want to scream. I want to scream

STOP IT! STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

Why? Why? Why is he gone? What did-I can only pray for my sanity, and for peace in the world. He was our reason to follow our dreams. He was our reason to scuff the floors with our shoes and scream as loud as possible with our hands as far as the horizon. He was the first song we learned as a child. He was our King. He is the King, and now with his death, our dynasty will fall.

5:34 PM, Brandy sent me a text. "Micheal Jackson died, mama." I was driving on the interstate on the way to see my sister & my heart stopped. I shook my head, "no no no" it had to be a lie. It wasn't. It's not. He's gone...forever. Luther, Aaliyah, Left Eye, Tupac, James Brown...the greats. Michael now rests with them while we mourn, while we painfully, desparingly, mourn. The entire world is distraught because we lost the best thing to ever happen to us...

Michael Joseph Jackson: August 29,1958 - June 25, 2009

Thank you for sharing your talent, love, and genius.

You are forever missed, may God grant you peaceful rest.

Right now, I can't even hear my music playing.

I mean, I know "Let's Call It Off" by Drake, Peter & Bjorn is on, but it's like I'm listening to it from inside of a box or something. You know, that distorted way that makes everything sound like it's playing from a basement below you. My house has no basement. I'm sitting here with my $5 Ray Ban knock-off Ocean Pacific yellow sunglasses, fighting with myself. My head is literally spinning, and now my eyes are starting to tingle & feel wierd because they're trying to focus the words that I am typing. Drake just asked why he felt so alone...I wonder if he would listen to me if I could come up with an answer. If I could explain to him that I know exactly how he feels. If I could somehow convince him to listen to my problems & want to take care of me, want to see me. If I could somehow convince any guy to stick around long enough for me to get over myself. [laugh] How pathetic is it to want attention from someone you don't even know? How pathetic. We have been fighting this battle for so long. God, what makes me so insane? I'm sitting in this chair right now in front of this monitor wondering why my eyelashes are rubbing against the lens of these glasses. Why do they curl in the first place? Why do -am I so sad, angry, happy, mad, frustrated at the same time? Angry and mad are synonyms, but I won't change that...Now. That didn't make any sense did it? I could take those scissors in front of me. I could take them, walk over to my mirror, open the blades, slide it from left to right...in perfect lines...turn my mirror into my own work of art. I can hear the sound of the metal grinding into the glass & it sounds like sanity...

So I just finished watching this movie called Dan In Real Life. I won't tell you about the plot or anything, but I will say that the movie made me sad. It has one of those fairytale endings. Love is not my bestfriend in any way, shape or form. I am so -well- deprived of that certain sensitivity... Sometimes I find it easier not to love and lean towards apathy and defensiveness. I feel like there's no way around this emptiness that I feel. I had a dream last night that I made out with one of my gay friends. There is no way that would ever happen, but I'm trying to think what sort of message I may have been trying to send myself. Am I looking for the wrong things in a companion? Am I too wrapped up in people that don't want me? It felt good, regardless of its deeper meaning...

I dunno. I need affection. I watch, unblinking, at all the references to love on television. I watch, unblinking, love fall apart in real life. My mother has never been married...never, with two children. My mother's lonely. I am lonely. We don't live to be this passionate for no one.

I am, however, a strong believer of the saying "everything happens for a reason" or "it is God's will" which ever you prefer. Even if I had been strong enough to actually allow myself to fall in love with my exbestfriend before he left, I still would've had to watch him go, and I still would've had to watch him leave me and fall in love with someone that could care less.

My heart was inevitably going to break.

Which leads me to believe that love is not my friend right now for a reason. I feel sorry for the next poor guy I fall in love with. I am learning to love myself, and our relationship, no doubt, will be beautiful, but my attachment only grows stronger with each infatuation. He may be crushed by my attraction alone. There may be a reason why my mom's new friend lives 2 hours away. We need to learn something...How open we are to the lesson and how quickly we recieve and understand it is entirely up to us.

La Gato Loco

This made my morning...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzzjgBAaWZw
Haha...

Let's Talk About My Disappointments...

Today, I asked one of my friends to go out for lunch with me. I got so effin excited when he accepted my suggestion that I, you know, got cute, got ready, and proceeded to wait for him to do the same. 12 pm went by...1pm went by, and by 2 o' clock I was fed-the hell-up.
I told him he was taking too long to get ready. My fingers were killing Gianna [my phone]'s keypad as I crazily texted, "Do you really take 2 hours to get ready"? To which he replied: "Yea. Then I got 2 go 2 45." So, at first I didn't get it because he left the word "at" out of it, a colon, and he used incorrect grammar ["Then, I have to leave at 2:45." - ah, much better]. I read it twice & then finally understood that this was not going to happen. I explained to him that we would try another day, but my feelings were hurt because he claimed to have nothing to do today...Was he lying? I asked myself that over and over again, but I will never ever know.
I was disappointed because I got so effin excited. I got so effin cute FOR HIM, that boy, only for it not to happen.
This is the reason why I do not tell people things I am excited about. Because once I tell someone, it doesn't happen. Rare occasions where that's not the case. It was, however, the case today, and it really hurt me and pissed me off because I only told three people.

I just want a guy friend. Someone I can count on to talk to me and be there for me. We don't even have to be a couple, just talk to me... I'm used to having a guy best friend. I was spoiled with one for 3 years...then I fell in love with him [BEEG MUSTAHKEE!]. Anyway, my point is that, I'm so used to disappointment it's hard for me to try at all. Us not going out today hit me hard because I felt, like, vulnerable, in the situation. I was vulnerable to ask him out in the first place. Vulnerable to wait for him to do what he had to do. I was vulnerable. Vulnerable. That word is my biggest fear. My vulnerability is the rice around my insecure California Roll. These issues that I have with myself are spun from my aversion to vulnerability. I do not like it, but I want to like it. I want to be comfortable with being vulnerable. I blamed myself for what happened today, I did, but deep down I know that it's not my fault in any way, shape, or form that we did not go out today. Right? I'm not overreacting or going crazy. It is his fault entirely, and I will not hold myself responsible for that...It is not my fault, and it took me almost ten hours to figure that out...

Epiphany?

Gah Lee, Man...

None of these topics in my brain seem good enough to blog about. There's always fiftylem things going on at once in there. I-I don't even know how to break things up into pieces. I guess I shall just blog about things that I love in cute, fun-to-read ways. Lol, that reminds me of a coloring book or something. Isn't life like a coloring book? When yo- whatever. I shall blog about my loves first. Things- people, rather- that I love. First up will be Chris Brown. I know, "[eye roll]", but fuck you, seriously lol. I love him. I will tell you why later. Um, Drake is next, then chocolate, maybe...My family is somewhere in there, my friends... I dunno, but, Shah, I will get back to you. DANG! I LOVE SOME COMMAS DON'T I?

[insert something clever I haven't come up with yet in here]